Self-Sacrifice Attracts Unhealthy Relationships
Because being loved for your mask is a very poor substitute for being loved for who you really are.
Self-sacrificing in relationship seems like it comes from a place of love, of wanting to value the importance of the relationship and the other person. But self-sacrifice is more than the occasional compromise or the natural ebb and flow of navigating the needs of each individual within the connection.
Self-sacrifice is a way of choosing to view self. And it comes from a place of fear and desperate need.
It says, “I must withhold my own wants and needs and genuine self-expression in order to earn the love/respect/security I desire through this relationship”. The assumption is that you aren’t worthy of the connection and won’t be able to sustain it unless you show up as a version of you, instead of the real you (who naturally has wants needs and wants).
There’s an unspoken contract- I’ll put myself last and you first, and in exchange you’ll let me hold on to this relationship with you so I can feel the love/trust/respect I haven’t yet learned to give to myself.
It’s an externalizing of the needs you aren’t yet meeting internally. The truth is, it’s actually a form of manipulation (ouch).
When you believe the only way you can show up in relationship is through the lens of the other person’s needs, you’re doing that in order to secure something from them. And this only cements in a dynamic where you can never be seen or valued for YOU (only for what you give to the other person). You’ll continue to attract people who are also living through their woundedness, who need you to provide what they’re unable or unwilling to heal within themselves.
The better way? Pinpoint exactly what it is you deeply desire in the connection. Source that internally, and you can then show up whole and complete, not needing anything from the other person to feel whole and healthy and loved.
When each person connects from a place of having truly met themselves and their deepest desires internally, they can build from desire (love) and not need (fear).
This foundation of self-love is everything. It allows you to build the relationship you really want, not the one you unconsciously think you deserve.
Does this mean you should only think of yourself and not seek to understand and support your partner? Of course not. It just means you shouldn’t do that at the expense of expressing your authentic self.
But this requires each person to heal their own self-worth issues, so they aren’t unconsciously putting that on the other person. Then you can each show up as who you really are (not through your woundedness or masking). It’s the only way to really be seen and feel truly loved in the first place.
Because being loved for your mask is a very poor substitute for being loved for who you really are.
Wondering how things might change if you explored and healed this for yourself? Book in for my Aligned 90 Call and you’ll quickly have a roadmap for exactly where to go next to create lasting change in yourself and your relationships.
