How To Really Heal From Toxic Relationships

I often hear something along the lines of, “I attract all the crazies.”

Or, “Everyone I date turns out to be a narcissist.”

Or, “Toxic people just stick to me no matter what I do.”

Each of those points to the problem being something external- namely, the other person. And I get it; it really seems like there’s something you need to defend against- these “monsters” coming at you. The knee-jerk reaction is to figure out how to protect yourself or deal with the person. But. I bet you know someone who’s been figuring out how to deal with a toxic person their entire life, which has probably cost them their peace, their dreams, their health, and maybe a whole lot more.

Here’s a painful truth that just might set you free…

While toxic people are definitely problematic, the real problem in your relationships with your narcissistic, cheating partner or your emotionally abusive mother or your friend who constantly undermines + overshares about you behind your back or your overbearing and toxic boss is YOU.

{Ouch}.

Don’t hear this as me saying that you deserve or caused these relationship issues all on your own- you don’t and you didn’t. Is the other person behaving badly? Likely, yes. But you won’t heal or change things by focusing solely on their behavior. Because the real problem- for you- isn’t their behavior. It’s that you’re tolerating it.

As unfair as it feels to accept responsibility {not blame}…

for what you’ve accepted, tolerated, or even enabled in the relationship- especially when there’s abuse involved- it’s exactly where healing and taking your personal power back begins.

Because, don’t forget, “Energy goes where attention flows.” Focusing on the toxic person and how they’re behaving keeps you fixated on the very thing you don’t want and have no control over. Which only creates the energetic foundation for continued toxic attachment and personal disempowerment. Not good, right?

The only way for things to change one way or another is for YOU to begin to honor yourself first.

Toxic people don’t discriminate much. They attempt to attach to literally everyone- not just you. If anything, they look for successful, well-adjusted, strong, kind people- who also happen to have poor boundaries and tend to over-give. That’s simply who they are. They’re energy vampires, sucking the life force from you as you swirl around the emotional chaos they create. Your over-giving, over-functioning, and over-responsibility for their dysfunction literally fuels them, without requiring them to change. Why would they change, when they’ve got someone managing and tolerating their inability to connect healthfully?

Here’s the important thing: energetically, no one can take your life force from you without your “permission.” So if you’ve been trying to deal with healing from toxic relationships by learning boundary strategies and memorizing scripts or cutting energetic cords or engaging in protective energy practices… you’ll continue doing all those things over and over and over again. Until you go a step further to figure out where you’ve been giving permission for the energy exchange to occur {and this is usually NOT a conscious permission, it’s often buried deep in the unconscious and occurs on an emotional, energetic, and spiritual level}.

The dynamic has potential to change only when…

you stop focusing on them and instead see where your responsibility to yourself lies. Instead of focusing on where they’ve betrayed you, examine where you’ve betrayed yourself. Instead of spinning out in frustration about the boundaries they continue to ignore, examine where you haven’t honored your own boundaries. Because what we judge in others is exactly how we judge ourselves. Using that understanding to heal, rather than stay stuck in victimhood, is where your power lies.

The people, circumstances, and things we each attract into our lives are an energetic match to where we’re currently at in our own consciousness. This means that if you want different in your relationships- even with the same person- the only place to put your effort is in upleveling YOUR consciousness {it will no longer be a match with theirs}. Then, as you uplevel, they have the option to either meet you in this higher energetic… or they’ll fall away as they no longer resonate with your vibration. In fact, at that point, they’ll usually leave YOU. If their toxicity has nothing to stick to- nowhere to root- their toxicity is not your problem to onboard and they’ll either need to uplevel themselves or go elsewhere to get their stolen energy fix.

The work isn’t to hide, defend against or better tolerate toxic people…

It’s to shore up your emotional and energetic boundaries so that their toxicity literally bounces off you energetically and toxic attachments can’t hold anywhere else in your bodymind. Good boundaries aren’t mean or rigid or selfish. They’re reflective of a way of being that flows effortlessly from a self-aware, aligned and authentic person who has raised their consciousness and asks others to meet them there.

I know this can sound a little “woo” when you’re looking for practical relationship how-to’s. But the secret sauce isn’t in what to DO next. It’s in how to BE.

There’s no shortcut available for doing the work.

No one can do it for you. But I’ll support you.

I have huge passion in guiding others in healing from emotional abuse and toxic relationships. Because I’ve been there and know first-hand how even horrible things can be the catalyst that propels you toward a more healthy, beautiful life and spirit than ever.

When you learn to stop allowing, tolerating, and enabling… going beyond hiding, defending, and protecting… into living from a higher consciousness-aligned state, you take radical responsibility for yourself. From this energetic, you can attract, receive, and hold the relationships you desire so deeply. And that’s just a happy side effect, not the primary goal. Because suddenly the energy you’ve spent “handling” toxicity is freed up and can be directed toward your dreams, passions, and purpose.

For me, there’s nothing better than having a front-row seat to that kind of growth.

A good place to start is my FREE masterclass “Boundary Energetics for Better Relationships” on July 20. Learn more HERE.