To Give, Learn To Receive
Are you a giver?
Generous, supportive, and helpful? Counted upon to be whoever and do whatever is needed by pretty much anyone? At any time? It's not surprising. After all, that's part of our cultural definition of kindness.
Being a good boy or girl
is about sacrificing what we need or want for what others need or want. Just look to stories like The Giving Tree or pretty much any Disney storyline. I ATE THOSE STORIES UP when I was a kid. It's only fairly recently that I feel a little puke-y when I read them. Seriously. Go re-read Shel Silverstein's ‘The Giving Tree’ and see what became of that poor tree. She was celebrated for giving up every last bit of herself and becoming a stump. A stump, people. She handed herself over for literal destruction by the boy who said he loved her {but never visited or contributed to the relationship and took everything she had}. Oh, hells no.
We've grown up in a society that has constantly said- both overtly and indirectly- that giving the shirt off your back is a value.
Friends. KEEP YOUR FRIGGIN' SHIRTS ON, ALRIGHT?!
When you are externally driven by a societal or cultural or familial value, your definition of self comes from something outside of you. It's not necessarily a true personal value. You've just never questioned its validity or origin. And it's sneaky. Because it feels pretty darn good to be helpful and appreciated and valued. You might even be convinced that you just LOVE giving the shirt off your back {I've been caught “shirtless” a few times and, trust me, it's NOT cute}. But odds are, what you really love is what you earn {respect, love, admiration, security} from your self-sacrifice. And that's very different.
When your validation comes externally,
it's inauthentic. No matter how “good” you think it makes you. The distinction is crucial. So how can you tell what your motivations are?
By your judgments.
Ask:
Do you judge yourself and others by how often or to what degree self-sacrifice is demonstrated?
Do you believe that giving is only good enough if it hurts a little?
Or maybe a lot?
Do you feel resentful when others don't give the way you do?
You’re likely stuck in a pattern of giving to exhaustion.
Cuz, you know, you CAN be generous, loving, supportive, and helpful without killing yourself. The difference is that you put yourself first. Not selfishly. In full expression of your power. In full communication of your value, and the value of others.
Giving is costly. It costs you time, effort, money, and space. That energetic spend must be continually renewed and balanced with your ability to receive {rest, support, help, being SEEN}.
Because when giving is balanced by receiving
it's never depleting. It's simple give-and-take. When you can give without feeling like you've been stripped down, giving is joyous- not dutiful. Not an attempt to feel or receive something in return.
How do you feel about giving
{a.k.a. DOING}?
How do you feel about receiving
{a.k.a. BEING}?
And… drum roll…
how do you feel about asking {gasp! the nerve!} for help?
If you're polarized on either end of the giving-receiving spectrum, you've got some room for exploration and growth. Proceed gently.
Look, I get it. For far too long I was convinced that martyring myself was confirmation of the depth of my love and proof of my strength.
Aaaaaand I literally burned myself out, to the point of earning a lovely ambulance ride to the hospital {yeah, buckle up kids, I'll be sharing that gem of a story soon}.
Now I know the difference between strength and power.
Power is a renewable resource. Strength can and will falter. And loving relationships can only happen when I love myself first, because it's only then that I show up in my authenticity. If I show up in response to my drive to be perceived a certain way, I can never be loved for me- only for my chosen mask.
Want to live a life of service, of true generosity?
Of being seen and loved for who you truly are?
Learn to receive.
REGULARLY.
And if that sounds impossible, all it means is that your subconscious beliefs and desires about giving/receiving are in conflict with what you consciously pursue in life. Follow the self-sabotage, judgment, and self-criticism to see where you can identify, release, heal, and step into your real life as the real you.
Becoming a tree stump doesn’t do anyone any good.
Here’s how it should’ve gone down.
If you desire a life full of real connections, respect, and love for who you are- not what you do- it’s time to re-write your story. YOU are the author.
The Tree Who Set Healthy Boundaries
is the work of playwright/screenwriter
I want him to re-write ALL the stories.
