Heal Attachments To Find Connection

Have you ever found yourself, repeatedly, in unbalanced relationships?

Where you often over-function, handling anything and everything until you eventually feel stuck, resentful, and unappreciated? Or maybe it’s the opposite for you- you retreat and feel unsafe or unseen because you only allow superficial connections even though you actually want deeper relationships. Either scenario is straight-up self-sabotage. It’s so frustrating to realize that the thing standing in your way is you! Whyyyyyy do we do that?!

Fear is a huge driver. Often, we’re more afraid of possibility than of what’s actually happening. The possibility of being fully seen and not liked feels absolutely terrifying.

We humans are social creatures. To know ourselves fully requires us to learn and grow in relationship. But what if the other person doesn’t like us?! What if they discard us or ignore our attempts at connection? The fear of these possibilities can prompt us to put on a lot of masks, as we attempt to present in the way we think stands the best chance of acceptance. We focus on making ourselves indispensable to others, but this can come at a high price. When our worth and sense of acceptance is in someone else’s hands, we’ve already chosen NOT to show up as ourselves. We’re showing up as the version of ourselves we’re hoping will be most liked. This masking lessens the odds of being judged or unaccepted, but requires us to betray our authenticity. What’s at the root of this?

We’re born with deep fear of abandonment,

which secures our survival as we’re literally biologically driven to pursue connection with others. So why, even though we may have tons of relationships, can they feel so empty and unfulfilling? Why do we endlessly pursue love, but it often feels inauthentic or incomplete?

Attachment and love aren’t the same thing. From the outside, it’s difficult to tell the difference. After all, they’re both a kind of connection. But they feel energetically and emotionally very different. If we were raised in attachment, it’s possible we’ve never truly experienced authentic love because in early childhood we learned to adapt, to mold ourselves to fit what was required to stay in connection. We may have been loved and rewarded for our performance or our appearance- not for who we truly were. We may have even been punished or had love withheld when we dared to express ourselves emotionally. As a child, we often give up who we are to stay attached to our caregivers out of deep primal need. But this attachment is a hollow, superficial version of connection and we lose ourselves along the way.

As time passes, and this pattern isn’t healed, deep exhaustion sets in. Because holding onto relationships, over-functioning, and endlessly working to secure connection with others is really hard work. And because our part of the bargain is to override our authentic selves in favor of what the other person prefers, it’s literally impossible to feel truly loved. Because WE haven’t shown up to the relationship. Our mask has. Being loved for your mask is deeply unfulfilling.

Over time, this soul-level exhaustion shows up in the physical body

in any number of ways. The lack of trust, or even familiarity, with self builds as general anxiety. The energy systems foundational to accessing intuition and self-needs are overridden or turned off in favor of constantly scanning, reading and responding to the energy of others. Chronic anger and resentment show up, and sleep or stomach disturbances may be common. An inability to breathe smoothly or deeply is often a complaint. This is because our ability to take in life as it is {literally, via the breath} is compromised by our early programming.

The way to feel truly loved and accepted

isn’t to keep cycling through partners in hopes of finding “the one.” Because it’s YOU who’s actually not showing up authentically, making it literally impossible to ever be truly seen and loved. In healing the reasons for not feeling safe to find and be our truest selves, we can begin to truly show up to life and partnership. And though it doesn’t guarantee finding authentic love, it sure gives us a chance at it. We can begin to take all that effort we’d been putting into masking and striving and pushing, and use it to learn and grow in deeper connection.

It’s so tempting to think that the solution to our discomfort and fear lies outside us and all we need to do is find the right *whatever* to bring us happiness. But always always always, the answers are never outside us.

The answers always lie inside,

in deeper connection with ourselves. Truly seeing, integrating all aspects of self, and accepting your inevitable imperfections is always the answer.

Others will always have, and possibly express {dangit}, an unflattering opinion of you. But when you realize that their judgments- just like yours- reflect more about themselves than you- you’ll see the futility of allowing them to determine your worth. Your worth is yours alone to determine, and is a necessary step toward breaking attachments and forging authentic connections.

The longer you continue to entertain what isn’t for you, the longer you postpone what is. What are you waiting for? Begin a new relationship with yourself first by looking at long-held patterns of attachment-connection-partnership.